Just like any relationship, friendships can reach a point where they’re not beneficial to both participants, but ending one gracefully can be complicated. The Onion offers the best tips for ending a friendship. Politely and gently explain to them why they can fuck off. Send a clear message by not re-upping the friendship contract you both signed at the beginning of the relationship. Slowly unbutton your shirt to reveal you’ve been wearing a wire this whole time. Only respond to their texts with “lol” or “ha yeah.” They should get the message in one to four years. Humans are typically supposed to act sad during these situations, so remember to frown or pout. Starting to date someone should do the trick. Have a new drummer already sitting down at the kit when Brian arrives. If confrontation is not your style, try naturally drifting apart over the course of a decade or so.